> rescinding and advancing

i feel more explanation is needed for my hostility in #11. after taking a couple of days to think i've really consolidated my anger towards two specific people. everyone else, i'm not sure about you. i guess in a way i didn't care about you all either. i was pissed off because i was betrayed, and blamed it on everyone. really you did nothing wrong, you just treated me how i treated you, an acquaintance. every feeling in my head kind of singularized that day, and really i still feel that way. i'm still angry, sad, still feeling everything you can feel about this going through me. i want to scream but what's the point if nobody can hear or feel it. i've been losing everyone and myself for months and this has only made things worse.

> my life at a crossroads

i've been laying in bed at night wondering if shit is really worth it. i've been considering cancelling everything and just laying in that bed forever. waiting for my day to come because nothing else really matters anymore. nobody will come for me. is there some way to give it meaning? maybe, but after considering everything, i've rejected it all. i can't convince myself anything will help, and i can't convince myself that i can do anything. so i lay there, or sit in my chair. in the end nothing will change the fact that nobody will come for me, and that's the only thing that really means anything, isn't it? if i die now, nobody will even realize. if i cut myself there's nobody to see the scars and feel anything. is it really my fault? i can't help that i'm scared. i'm scared of all of you, it just manifests as anger and hatred. i don't want to be like this but i can't help it. i get so scared of losing people that i'm almost in tears, but in the end i just end up doing it myself. how do i cut the cycle without cutting myself? is it possible? or will i just be like this forever?

was our friendship really dead? or was i really just not there? should i even be angry? have i always been wrong? did you care? i wish i could still ask. maybe i really fucked up. i just want honesty. but even when i hear honesty i still think you lie. so i guess i just wish i knew what was a lie and what wasn't. i wish i just knew if you were telling the truth. i just want to be cared for. i just want someone to hear me. i just want someone to come running if i stand on the edge of the 12th story. i just want to hear something back when i say hi. it's like my only conversations with you have been through a voicemail. you never called back. just help me understand what it means. what did you want from me. what did you not get. what could i have done.

but i guess it doesn't matter anymore. because it ended.

> updates on my work

if you came here for projects, and not for me, i have good news. i'm trying to get back on track with gaconvert. i've made a couple of commits and i'm trying to get started on the svg conversion. i forgot to mention that i actually already had a portion of that done, but when copying over files i accidentally deleted it all. so i'm starting over now. unfortunate, but i just have to keep pushing. at this point it's the only thing that takes my mind off the pain. music doesn't really help anymore.

speaking of music, i've been trying to get back into making music again. since buffer overflow released i kind of fell out of it, honestly i'm not sure what to do with some of the projects i started. i'm a bit demotivated.

everything sucks. i suck. but does everyone else suck? i don't know. i can't trust anyone. it's just not how i work. that's what makes people avoid me i guess.